I live in the socialist Northeast where any slightly critical remark that could be remotely interpreted as possibly applying to a specific culture or race is totally and extremely offensive — unless, of course, you’re poking fun at rednecks/Southerners (which to ignorant Northeasters are the same people), or Christians. Oh yes… up in the Northeast you can rip any folks with a Southern twang, and any Christians who actually believe what they say they believe, up one side and down the other… and it’s okay!?

Specifically, there are these so-called redneck jokes. These little gems get passed around in email just as much by fellow rednecks (getting a chuckle laughing at themselves) as by ignorant urban bigots sipping their pansy lattes. I think it says a lot about a race or culture when they can laugh at themselves, and I guess that means it says a lot about a race or culture that CANNOT laugh at themselves [you know who you are].

Anyways… in the vein of the proto-typical “You might be a redneck if…” I actually just received an email that put a new spin on this format. I’m repeating it here with my own personal touches and a few sharper barbs. Here goes…

You might be a redneck if…

• it never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase “one nation, under God”… or by seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places… or by hearing “Merry Christmas” instead of “Happy Winter Holiday”
• you bow your head when someone prays, and you don’t feel uncomfortable or ashamed when you they get to the “In Jesus’ name… Amen” part
• your music talks about hard work, being honest, and fighting for your country… more than it talks about selling drugs, hitting women, and committing murder
• you stand up straight (if able), remove your hat, and place your hand over your heart when you hear the National Anthem
• you treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have
• you’ve never burned an American flag, never picketed a military recruiting center, and never shouted into the face of a policeman
• you know what you believe and you aren’t afraid to say so, no matter how many leftist censors are listening
• you raised your kids to respect their elders, say please and thank you, and own up to their own mistakes
• you’d give your last dollar to a friend… or drive your pickup over to help a neighbor… or deliver a veterans’ widow some dry firewood on a cold winter day… or fight a raging fire inside a stranger’s home

The truth of the matter is that if the United States had twice the rednecks it does… it’d be ten times the country it is.

Which reminds me of another redneck joke I received that I feel paints an accurate picture of that culture:

The Pentagon announced TODAY the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces (USRSF).

[insert picture of rednecks holding ridiculously sized rifles]

These boys will be dropped off in Iraq and given only the following info on terrorists:

1. The season opened today
2. There is no limit
3. They taste just like chicken
4. They don’t like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus
5. They are directly responsible for the death of Dale Earnhardt