Negative99

Why do I think this planet is chock full o’ nuts? (September 22, 2006 edition)

Because an 18-yr-old mother can return to her homeless shelter after a night of binge-drinking, pass out on the bed, and then let her 4-month-old daughter fall into and drown in a bucket of the mother’s vomit, and the defense attorney will still state that the mother “would never hurt her baby”.
[Article here] For crying out loud, the story states the mother returned after a night of cigarettes and gin drinking. Ummm… how does a young girl at a homeless shelter have money to buy cigarettes and enough gin to start filling a bucket with vomit? Oh yeah… taxpayers. It’s nice that the shelter will watch your illegitimate crack-baby while you recklessly carouse at my expense. And then I get to pay for a public defender to tell me she meant no harm? Is that like when a teenager wrecks the car speeding on a hairpin turn and then says “I would never let the car get damaged.”

Because the CDC wants to periodically test everyone in the US between 13 and 64 years of age for AIDS.
[Article here] The kicker here is that they are afraid there are around 250,000 people with AIDS who aren’t collecting taxpayer-funded health benefits to treat their disease. And of course since healthcare costs are so low (not) and our hospitals have such excess money (not) then this is a great idea. This reminds me of the commercials on the radio advertising welfare benefits… (yes, you heard me)… some of which are even commercials spoken in Spanish. I know I should be compassionate… but I have some common sense, too… and as long as AIDS is mostly spread by purposeful preventable behavior (drugs and careless sex) I will humbly suggest that the money should go to other pursuits. Much the same way I would put out a building fire before trying to repair the damage.

Because Barbra Streisand’s boobs scare the matza crackers out of me.
[Article here] I am well aware that I will be old, too, some day. I, however, promise to never show my drooping genitals in public… my geriatric beachware will not be see-thru (even when wet) and I (unlike the geezers at my gym) will shut the shower curtain when I take a shower. Oy vey! I might go easy on Babs if she didn’t spout such crazy political claptrap. And I can’t trust a non-Messianic Jew who puts out a Christmas album… any more than I could take seriously a Tiger Woods story that starts out “One time, back in ‘da hood…”

Because scientists say the oceans have cooled over the last three years even though they have been heating up for 40 years, except they don’t know why they’re cooling… maybe volcanoes, but there haven’t been any more than usual… and the water level rose over the last three years, too, even though the water level only rises when the oceans heat up, not cool down… but we still know what we’re talking about.
[Article here] What do the scientists know? Today we have unprecedented sensationalism born from 24-hr news networks and the need to continually say the same thing in new ways with varied and random mutations. As in microevolution certain mutations will be inclined to “take root”, and with sufficient reproduction will soon be considered “truth”. The idea of “recent, sudden, man-made” global warming is such an idea. I’m not sure what is the greater fiction… the idea of it itself… or the idea that from a few decades of careful measurement we can accurately know the full historical context of the Earth with all it’s intertwining cycles and phases. Kind of like if someone noticed, for the very first time, the sun setting and predicted the end was at hand. I do remember the first time you leave a puppy at home alone and because it thinks you are leaving forever it gets alarmed and piddles all over.

Because teenagers (and some parents, as unbelievable as that is) think it’s merely a generational hiccup that school officials and parents frown on the practice of boys dry-humping girls from behind during school dances.
[Article here] Freak dancing. Grinding. I don’t care what you call it. I call it doggy-style. Some kids call it dancing, and if you have kids going to school dances you can bet they’ve at least seen it. Literally, if the kids were naked there’d be penetration. One girl whined, “We were raised to dance like that.” What?! Who raised you… Madonna? Is this school Slut Central High? Another future burger-flipper opined, “We go to a dance to have fun, and you telling us how to dance is not fun.” What brute intellect… noticed how he cleverly leverages his Constitutional right to “have fun”? Yet another snot pouted, “Students are losing respect for the system that’s supposed to protect them.” This kid thinks that being denied the right to grind your daughter’s tight low-riders (the ones with the thong sticking up that you hate to see but are too cowardly and pathetic a parent to say something about) is a lack of protection? I suppose a condom was more the kind of protection he had in mind… probably just wanting to practice what he learned that day in his special AIDS Awareness assembly that replaced the always expendable Math class.

Beam me up, Scotty.