We, in Ireland, can’t figure out why people are even bothering to hold an election in the United States.

On one side, you have a pants wearing lawyer, married to a lawyer who can’t keep his pants on, who just lost a long and heated primary against another lawyer who goes to a loony church, who is married to yet another lawyer who doesn’t even like the country her husband wants to run.

On the other side, you have a nice old war hero whose last name starts with “Mc” and is married to a good looking younger woman who owns a beer distributorship.

What excuse, in the Lord’s name and by all that is holy, could you possibly have for even pausing at this decision?

[HT: Dan Neville]

Jack goes quail hunting before school, pulls into school parking lot with shotgun in gun rack.
1958 - Vice Principal comes over, looks at Jack’s shotgun, goes to his car and gets his shotgun to show Jack.
2008 - School goes into lock down, FBI called, Jack hauled off to jail and never sees his truck or gun again. Counselors called in for traumatized students and teachers.

Johnny and Mark get into a fistfight after school.
1958 - Crowd gathers. Mark wins. Johnny and Mark shake hands and end up buddies.
2008 - Police called, SWAT team arrives, arrests Johnny and Mark. Charge them with assault, both expelled even though Johnny started it.

Jeffrey won’t be still in class, disrupts other students.
1958 - Jeffrey sent to office and given a good paddling by the Principal. Returns to class, sits still and does not disrupt class again.
2008 - Jeffrey given huge doses of Ritalin. Becomes a zombie. Tested for ADD. School gets extra money from state because Jeffrey has a disability.

Billy breaks a window in his neighbor’s car and his Dad gives him a whipping with his belt.
1958 - Billy is more careful next time, grows up normal, goes to college, and becomes a successful businessman.
2008 - Billy’s dad is arrested for child abuse.. Billy removed to foster care and joins a gang. State psychologist tells Billy’s sister that she remembers being abused herself and their dad goes to prison. Billy’s mom has affair with psychologist.

Mark gets a headache and takes some aspirin to school.
1958 - Mark shares aspirin with Principal out on the smoking dock.
2008 - Police called, Mark expelled from school for drug violations. Car searched for drugs and weapons.

Pedro fails high school English.
1958 - Pedro goes to summer school, passes English, goes to college.
2008 - Pedro’s cause is taken up by state. Newspaper articles appear nationally explaining that teaching English as a requirement for graduation is racist. ACLU files class action laws suit against state school system and Pedro’s English teacher. English banned from core curriculum. Pedro given diploma anyway but ends up mowing lawns for a living because he cannot speak English.

Johnny takes apart leftover firecrackers from 4th of July, puts them in a model airplane paint bottle, blows up a red ant bed.
1958 - Ants die.
2008 - ATF, Homeland Security, FBI called. Johnny charged with domestic terrorism, FBI investigates parents, siblings removed from home, computers confiscated, Johnny’s Dad goes on a terror watch list and is never allowed to fly again.

Johnny falls while running during recess and scrapes his knee. He is found crying by his teacher, Mary. Mary hugs him to comfort him.
1958 - In a short time, Johnny feels better and goes on playing.
2008 - Mary is accused of being a sexual predator and loses her job. She faces 3 years in State Prison. Johnny undergoes 5 years of therapy.

So what’s the deal with these lethal peanuts? Not to sound old and cranky, but when I was growing up there was never such a thing as a so-called “peanut allergy”. No student was ever punished for bringing a PB&J sandwich to school… and surely no school kid ever got charged a felony for cookie crumbing his classmate’s stuff. Neither was any airline being sued for serving the proverbial “in-flight peanuts”. What the heck is wrong with kids today? Is something wrong with mothers’ breasts that their milk is poisoning their kids’ immune systems? Perhaps the mothers are watching too much Oprah!

Being slightly fed up with hearing about this on the news (and feeling not-so-compassionate) here’s my pictorial ode to this problem:

After further thought I noticed that there are lots of “disorders” and “conditions” - unheard of when I was young - that are lowering today’s kids on the evolutionary totem… like ADD and all kinds of autism. So what gives? Something has changed, for sure. Recently on a discussion board I read a school nurse’s personal observation:

[My] first decade of school nursing involved NO kids with food allergies. In 1998 the first child entered our school with a peanut allergy. Now, 10 years later, we have dozens of children with increasingly complex food allergies.

I agree that there is something very serious going on with the health of our children and instead of looking only at treating kids with allergies, we need to be researching the cause. 1998 is the same year we had our first autistic child, our first (ODD) oppositional defiance disorder, and all degrees of (PDD) pervasive developmental disorders. We invented a whole batch of new diagnostic names that had never existed before during the next couple of years.

There are questions I want answered: Why were these kids so different from our previous children? What happened to the kids who entered school in 1998 that was new to the human experience? What compromised and confused their little immune systems; and why were their bodies confused about healthy foods? If you take time to examine the history, you immediately notice these were the first kids who got Hepatitis B shots as newborn babies in the hospital nursery. [...]

Ya know, that’s a good point. The more people I talk to who have really delved into the “science” behind some of these vaccinations, the more I hear about how much “junk” is in that stuff. Now I’m not trying to stir up a scare… or tell you not to vaccinate your infant. But there’s a lot of coincidences… and if you talk to medical professionals (I live with one) they’ll relate lengthy anecdotal evidence for reasons to be suspicious.

Then again I got ALL my shots… and by ALL I mean the Army jacked me up with everything. EVERYTHING. Not to mention in high school I immersed my entire hand in a beaker of mercury. And look at me… I’m perfect fine still breathing.

Now that I think about it… I could sort of feel all those extra curled-up dimensions tickling my toes.

This comedian, Brian Regan, is hilarious… original and expressive, with great timing… and relatively clean (a rarity these days, and the mark of someone who’s genuinely and intelligently funny - like my hero Brad Stine). Check out some of his other YouTube videos.

(HT: Siberian Grinder)

The real hero here is her little brother, who was able to leverage his father’s preoccupation, his sister’s hysteria, and the overall commotion to courageously capture the whole event on video the viral marketing warriors across the electric ether.

Have you ever heard the expression “better to be thought a fool and remain silent, than to open your mouth and remove all doubt?” Well, lest you think that this girl’s initial reaction was a caught-in-the-moment, out-of-character, knee-jerk, emotionally-charged reaction to what was a wonderful gift… she was kind enough to record a video response that removes any doubt she is indeed a spoiled, self-absorbed whore-child an actress!?

I’m heartened that this particular set of videos cannot be used as evidence of mankind’s decay (being staged and all), but here’s one that (purportedly) can:

hacked// asite NEGATIVE99 infidel

negative99 infidel hav hack pages ha ha

w. bush = 666 and satan _must disembark away the holy peoples oh to glorious allah

And when you go to Negative99 you see a page that has most certainly been hacked! Oh no! But all is well… it’s April 1, and this blog - which sat out the last few April 1’s - decided to celebrate this one.

April 1 is a day of fun on the internet… when websites will post fake stories and feature special surprises. For example, Google started taking volunteers today for its Mars colonization program in partnership with Virgin Airways.

So after I posted yesterday on my blog about the recent Fitna movie controversy (which was critical of radical Islamism) I decided that a GREAT April Fool’s Day joke would be to hack my own site! I opened up Photoshop and went to town putting together what I would do if I were to hack someone’s page (a weird feeling indeed). One of the hardest things about pretending to be a Muslim extremist - incredulously enough - was finding extremist material on the web to use on the site!? Indeed… what I thought would take 30 seconds actually took 30 minutes of pouring through google search results to try and find SOME terrorist website. I had to settle for grabbing images off of the terrorist groups’ MySpace pages (you can’t make this stuff up). I can’t even imagine what it’s going to be like the next time I try and fly in an airplane after all the colorful search strings I sent through Google.

So, I took the hacked-site-image I created and made a special site theme (called “Infidel”) which would ONLY show a “hacked” webpage of my creation, but that would allow my RSS feed to continue to work. This morning before work I initiated the hack.

I was very heartened by the outpouring of concern today via cellphone and email. Many friends and colleagues picked up on the “hack” quickly and started calling me. I was also very flattered that most (about 80%) thought the hack was legit! Cool! And really… in the hustle and bustle of the daily grind who has time to pay attention to the fact it’s April 1? I don’t always… and in fact one year a local radio station’s morning show (Wakin’ Up With the Wolf on PYX106) had me convinced they were bought out and replaced with a Spanish-only show. Oops.

So rejoice, for what it’s worth Negative99.com has survived the clutches of fake Islamist ‘l33t h4×0rs.

Last week I purchased a burger at Burger King for $1.58. The counter girl took my $2 and I dug in my pocket for 8 cents and gave it to her. She stood there, holding the nickel and 3 pennies, while looking at the screen on her register. I sensed her discomfort and tried to tell her to just give me two quarters, but she hailed the manager for help. While he tried to explain the transaction to her as she stood there and cried.

Hence the evolution of teaching math:

1. Teaching Math In 1960

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit ?

2. Teaching Math In 1970

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

3. Teaching Math In 1980

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80. Did he make a profit?

4. Teaching Math In 1990

A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is $80 and his profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

5. Teaching Math In 2000

A logger cuts down a beautiful forest because he is white, selfish, and inconsiderate. He cares nothing for the habitat of animals or the preservation of woodlands. He does this so he can make a profit of
$20 to spend at Wal-Mart. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How do birds and squirrels feel as the logger cuts down their homes?

6. Teaching Math In 2010

Un hachero vende una carretada de maderapara $100. El costo de la producciones es $80. Cuanto dinero ha hecho?

Part of the irony comes from the right-leaning “red state” map of the by-county vote breakdown, and the left-leaning political alignment of the (RED) movement, (PRODUCT)RED, and the Global Fund.

Now that I think about it, I have posted about (PRODUCT)RED before:

So I walk into the Apple store. Now, I am admittedly a PC guy… partly because my brain and motor coordination can handle more than one mouse button. Actually, I even PREFER more than one mouse button and find myself using the so-called “mousewheel” very frequently. I’m walking into the Apple store to pickup a little hard case for my new fancy red 8GB iPod nano. It’s my first iPod and I’m diggin’ it. My choice of red was because I greatly preferred it over black (the other choice), and not because it’s part of the product red movement which is a somewhat leftist dick-dance of an effort to fight AIDS in Africa by donating $10 of your red iPod purchase in the name of Oprah and Bono. This inexplicably satiates the little activist hearts of the young Starbucks demographic and relieves them of the drudgery of actually doing something to help Africans.

This photo-concept is ©Copyright 2007 by myself. The (RED) logo and markings are trademarks of The Persuaders, LLC, and used here for parody/satire purposes.

You know… if you’re gonna’ be stupid, you gotta’ be smart about it.

I love one-liners, and the poetry of this one rang true in my ears as soon as it left my lips. I quickly Googled to see if anyone had ever officially said it yet (like Yogi Berra), and to my delight they had not. So I get to have my very own one-liner… my very own Yogiism. Well done me.

The event that stimulated this burst of reason was this - I was told of a group on the website Facebook (a social networking site similar to MySpace) that was entitled “Henry Mills sucks penis” [the name has been changed]. This group was started and joined by current and former members of a local Christian school… and the object of their wrath, Mr. Mills, is a well-respected official of that same school and church. The group’s Facebook page includes disrespectful and insanely inappropriate and infantile content that I won’t share here.

Now… how nervy do you have to be to create and/or join such a group actually using your primary Facebook account with your name and picture displayed for any school official or parent to identify… and to do this while having not yet graduated from the school?! While you’re at it why don’t you just set your diploma on fire right now?! And needless to say, once the school found out about this Facebook group just a few days ago, it was quickly put out of its misery.

So upon hearing this story I exclaimed, “You know… if you’re gonna’ be stupid, you gotta’ be smart about it!” There is harmony in this statement - it’s found in the mix of bumbling wisdom and denotative paradox. But as I pondered, I discerned some “deeper” force at work here. So I put my thoughts down in the form of a socio-algebraic law:

Mooradian’s Law of Multiplicative Idiocy

As the probability of an individual or entity to engage in an idiotic action increases, the faulty cognitive processes driving this increase also propend the same individual or entity to engage in further related idiotic actions, such that the original idiocy is amplified through a mechanism of synergistic multiplication. This described propensity incites a daisy-chain of idiotic action occurring independent of (and possibly in addition to) the coincidental succession of an individual’s or entity’s natural random idiocy as expressed by a Poisson distribution.

As a previous leader of soldiers, I truly saw this law in action. Anyone who’s been in the military knows soldiers and sailors sometimes have an affinity for mayhem. And certain sailors and soldiers have perfected foolishness down to a black art. Now, it amazed me how my soldiers would sometimes commit egregious acts of idiocy, and follow it up by recording their actions in photographic or audio-visual form - thereby supplying incrimination leading to their own demise!? That’s the law of multiplicative idiocy.

Recently, on a local blog, I was conversing with an argumentative and illogical fellow. No sooner had I soundly discounted all his faulty lines of reasoning, when a mysterious second fellow appeared on the blog and echoed the first fellow’s identical illogic. Little did “either” of them know that I’m an admin for the blog… and I could see that “both” fellows were posting from the same IP address! Upon greater inspection, a third and fourth troublesome fellow on the blog were also from this same IP address! When pressed for the truth, the original fellow claimed that the other “three” fellows were indeed real people (housemates) whom he shared his home computer with. Of course, he couldn’t then explain why when I tracerouted his IP address it routed back to a single-point external gateway for a local health insurance company (as verified by their IT security staff). That’s the law of multiplicative idiocy.

How about the lady who tried to pay for her Wal-Mart merchandise with a counterfeit bill? She used a bill of such a high denomination ($1 Million) that not only did the store have no choice but to examine the bill with such scrutiny as would certainly discover the fake… but the store wouldn’t have had nearly enough cash to even make change, anyway! That’s the law of multiplicative idiocy.

The robber who empties the convenience store cash register, but then pays for a soda with his credit card before leaving. The student who vandalizes school property, then brags about it to a teacher. The man who shows up to DUI court drunk. That’s the law of multiplicative idiocy.

For those not aware, these videos are in the genre of the recent Apple commercials featuring conversations between a “hip” looking guy as a Mac and a rotund Bill Gates look-alike as a PC. The two new videos below both mirror existing Apple ads almost exactly… and they’re funny, too.

HEADLINES FROM THE YEAR 2029

Ozone created by electric cars now killing millions in Mexifornia, the seventh largest country in the world.

White minorities still trying to have English recognized as Mexifornia’s third language.

Couple petitions court to reinstate heterosexual marriage.

Iran still closed off - physicists estimate it will take at least 58 more years before radioactivity decreases to safe levels.

France pleads for global help after being taken over by Jamaica.

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally, but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.

85-year $75.8 billion study concludes: Diet and Exercise is key to weight loss.

Average weight of Americans plunges to 217 lbs.

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such a fast shutter speed, they now can photograph a woman with her mouth shut.

Massachusetts executes last remaining Evangelical.

Supreme Court rules punishment of criminals, violates their civil rights.

New federal law requires that all nail clippers, screwdrivers, fly swatters and rolled-up newspapers must be registered by January 2036.

IRS sets lowest tax rate at 75 percent.

Well, much to my amusement the Community Christian Church has made a collection of videos to illustrate this point in the genre of the lovable Mac vs. PC commercials.

Now, as much as I’d like to think that people can take a joke and have a little fun, a cursory Google search revealed that dissension surrounds these videos within the “Christian” community. While many, like myself, get a big kick out of the clever and humorous way the actors make their point using a current, relevant spoof… others of the more “traditional” folk who fervently embrace their Christian label think that these videos send a dangerous message and are deceptive. What?!? Are you friggin’ serious?

Enjoy!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

2. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.

3. Shopping is NOT a sport. We shall never think of it as a sport. And you have enough clothes, anyway.

4. Crying is a dark form of manipulation.

5. Ask for what you want. Subtle hints do not work! Strong hints do not work! Obvious hints do not work! Just say it!

6. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

7. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a PROBLEM. See a doctor.

8. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument today. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

9. If you think you’re fat, you probably are… so don’t ask us.

10. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of them makes you sad or angry, then we meant the other one.

11. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both. If you already know best how to do it, then just do it yourself.

12. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

13. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what Bright Ciesta or Moonlit Desert is.

14. If it itches, it will be scratched. Period.

15. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle of forcing it out of you, because we don’t want to positively reinforce your lying and you’ll most likely bring it up on your own eventually.

16. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to, expect an answer you don’t want to hear.

17. When we absolutely have to get somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine… really.

18. You have too many shoes.

WEDNESDAY, NOVEMBER 8 - Democratic, Green, Liberal (NY), Working Families, Socialist Workers, Labor, Communist, and Independence (NY)

Every vote should count, so please follow the above guide very closely, and best of luck to your candidates.